by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT, Founder and President, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

I got God on my side
I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love?
Fear's a powerful thing
It can turn your heart black, you can trust
It'll take your God-filled soul...
And fill it with devils and dust.
-Bruce Springsteen, “Devils & Dust”

Some people, when faced with severe crises, are prone to ask, Why me? This might be the most common response. When it seems that we are being attacked in ways uncommon to those around us, at times when we can least afford it, then sure, Why me?

But in her current battle with cancer, my wife Jenny tells me she sees it another way. Demonstrating the strong perspective that’s enabling her to win this battle so far, Jenny is much more prone to ask, Why not me?

Her thinking goes something like this: If you consider how many individual cells have to make up so many functioning processes in so many functioning organs in our body, all systemically intertwined and working in harmony, just for us to take one breath, it just makes more sense to ask: Why not me? Why should we expect our bodies to function perfectly?

It’s hard not to agree, when I really think about it. Our bodies, as well as our lives, happen because an infinite number of things continue to function just right. My favorite Einstein quote is when he points out that we can look at the world one of two ways: Either nothing is miraculous, or everything is.

But I also ask Why not me?, for a different reason. I ask because this cancer is not attacking me, it’s attacking her. My family’s history is the one riddled with cancer, not hers, so why not me? I’m the one with the most flexible schedule, so why not me? I’m the hypochondriac, constantly complaining about one ache or another, so why not me?

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question looks at a hot topic: 13-year-olds. From the film of year ago to last week's cover article in Time, the first year of teenagerhood is gathering a lot of attention.

I have a 13 year old son who is really starting to push my buttons. He has started to mess up in school in math and science. I realize these are not strong subjects for most kids and so, I got him a tutor. Long story short though, I am having a problem with him turning is his homework (it's complete) and being the class clown. The teachers all agree that he is capable of an "A", but agree also that he will not apply himself. Is this just a phase, and if so, how long will it last? I've tried losing it, talking with him, and taking away games or privileges until he gets it together. At my wits end,
Monica:))))

I love the way you signed off your question, Monica. "At my wits' end" is how so many of us feel every day as parents. You are definitely not alone (even though it may feel like it!).

So let's look at why. While I don't know your story, I can tell from your question that you are racking your brain trying to figure out your son, figure out what makes him tick, figure out how to motivate him to action. His resistance to all these efforts has led you to take responsibility for his choices. You said "I am having a problem with him (not) turning in his homework" (even though it's complete).

The critical step is seeing that YOU are not having a problem, HE is. Only he doesn't see it that way. You have told him, by accepting responsibility for his choices, that he doesn't have to be. His homework and misbehavior are not HIS problem as long as you see them as YOURS. What we create in that circumstance is a game, with our child left feeling that he now needs to turn in his homework for your benefit. He feels your anxious need for him to change, and that actually de- motivates him to do so.

The question to ask ourselves is this: why in the world should my child do his/her homework? What would they say to that question? Because I told them so? That simply does not keep anyone motivated for very long, and it does nothing to help them become owners of their own lives.

Usually, the thing to do is the very thing we ourselves have resisted doing--letting go of our need to make our children behave. And letting go of their misbehavior defining our relationship. This looks like this: genuinely caring more about how his friendships are going than how his grades are doing; deliberately choosing to ask him lots of questions, none of which have to do with school; beginning to relate with him in a way that communicates his schoolwork is his, his life is his, and yours is yours.

If you want to start afresh this school year, remember that you can be there to help, but only if he asks for it.

And remember to take care,
Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we cannot answer all questions, so we encourage you to present your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country.