by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT, Founder and President, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

There is an inherent paradox to parenting, and it confuses us all. It goes something like this: Parents shape their kids, kids shape themselves. Our entire role as parents is to help our kids learn to help themselves. The paradox is that if I neglect them, then they actually become more dependent upon me. If I smother them, then they back away without getting all the skills they need (they just have to get away!).

Such was the case with a coaching client, Carol. Like a lot of us, Carol was uncomfortable with the paradox. After feeling and acting responsible for her son throughout his childhood, Carol now had to watch him struggle severely as an adult (unemployment, drugs, legal difficulties, and a failed marriage).

Confronted with seeing her part in her son’s continued dysfunction, Carol simply wanted to correct the problem. “If I’m the one who created this situation, then what should I do to fix it?”

Carol came to see me, outwardly seeking a solution but inwardly hoping for absolution. Riddled with guilt, she was terrified of discovering that all his problems were her fault, that her bad mothering was the reason for his plight. She felt responsible for her son, and she didn’t know what to do next. And that was the irony. The more she felt responsible for her son, the more she continued to inhibit his growth as an individual, a person responsible for himself.

The more Carol anxiously fretted about her son, the less capable he felt about himself. He knew he was mom’s “challenging” one, the one she needed to worry about. So, of course, the less capable he felt about himself, the more he would give her something new to worry about (a new crisis, a new financial need, etc.). And when Carol would worry, she would feel guilty. And when she felt guilty, she would try to do more for him. Like rescue him from jail, or find him another job. And the cycle would continue.

So a great question for Carol is a great question for all of us: “What would happen if you were to stop worrying so much about your son?”

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question stems from one of our greatest fears: kids acting violently. With all the school shootings still etched in our memory (and still a real possibility), it makes sense that we would fret about our own child's violent thoughts.

My 4 year old son told me about a very violent thought he had about his baby sister (7 weeks) today. I am so scared that I have caused him problems because I used to be a big screamer and I also spanked him. Please give advice; I'm afraid for my son and his sister. He has never hurt her but I never leave her alone around him.

Well, that has to be scary. What I love about your story, though, is that your son came to you and told you about his thought. That is huge--I cannot overstate how significant. What that signals is that a) he is aware of himself and his thoughts; b) he doesn't like the negative thought about his little sister; and most importantly, c) he trusts you as a confidant and a life-guide, even with revelations that may incriminate himself.

First of all, please know that negative, even violent feelings toward a tiny baby sister is very common for an older child. His sister represents both a wonderful addition to his life, and yet a vacuum for all the attention he used to enjoy.

It is now up to you to embrace your role as that trusted guide, choosing to calm your own anxiety and continue to listen. The more he can open to you about such feelings, the less he feels compelled to act upon them. It sounds like the very best thing you can do is go out of your way to spend more alone time with him. Try not to have any agenda for that time except to delight in your son.

I know that sounds difficult given his recent revelations, but it's always more important to keep the revelations coming than to react to their content.

And remember to take care,
Hal

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