by Hal E. Runkel, Founder and President, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

The key to successful leadership has more to do with the leader's capacity for self-definition than with the ability to motivate others. -Edwin H. Friedman, Generation to Generation

If we’re not under control, then we cannot be in charge. That’s a bedrock principle of ScreamFree Parenting. If I’ve lost control of myself, then I become the last person my kids will look to for safety, security, and wisdom. And I become the last person they respect enough to grant their loyalty and allegiance. That’s the price of “losing it” with our kids.

Unfortunately, we’ve seen a few examples of this type of “losing it” in regards to the crisis on the Gulf Coast. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, in facing a chaotic nightmare I cannot even imagine, has nonetheless demonstrated a lack of poise. So many of us have been watching intensely as the struggle for survival in the great city of New Orleans has come across every form of media around us. And so many of us have screamed out loud, right along with Mayor Nagin, wondering why it took so long for relief to come.

And his screams in private conversations with powers that be are entirely appropriate. But when addressing the public as the appointed leader of the city, Mayor Nagin is learning that his tone and demeanor are to shape and calm the chaos, not merely reflect it. By reflecting the chaos of the city, Mayor Nagin was trying to echo the cries of his people. And many people may believe he did just that.

What he is learning, however, is that the cries of his people were directed at him. They needed more from him than hearing their own pleas for help, bleeped- out words and all. They needed him to calm their fears by holding onto himself.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question continues the discussion of violent tendencies from last week, and brings up the important issue of whether larger medical issues come in to play.

Dear Hal - About the violent thinking youngster in your last newsletter. No parent wants to think that there is something wrong with their child, but I have recently been confronted with the possibility of early onset bipolar in my son, and it makes me angry that all the signs (including violent inclinations) have been there all along.

None of the counselors and psychiatrists we've waded through over the last few years have even mentioned the possibility that it may be something other than a) our not happening on the right parenting technique or b) our son's willfulness. I had to research it myself.

You may want to advise parents who are dealing with symptoms that could be indicators of any psychological problem to watch out the possiblilty of something more serious, and to recognize it and get help with it (good luck) should symptoms continue or elevate. just a thought . . .

Thanks so much for the feedback. In so many ways, I think you're right. I do believe in certain psychological/biological diagnoses, and when found, can radically shift the treatment program going forward.

The difficulty, which you've obviously experienced, is differentiating a relationship pattern from a more ingrained biopsycho issue. The truth is that even with a conclusive biopsycho diagnosis, relationship patterns are still in need of evaluation and transformation. That's why I focus so much more on what parents can do (change their part of the pattern) and less on what they can't (fix a child's biology).

With that said, I should probably include a word about when to talk with a professional. While I do not want to encourage the rampant over-diagnosis process happening across the country, I do want people to be aware that sometimes your struggle with your child is a medical issue.

I hope that your son's is not. I know hearing a medical diagnosis may provide some relief, but it also runs the risk of creating various "accommodation" patterns around your son that can end up crippling his ability to cope with and even overcome his struggle.

Regardless of any diagnosis, the most important element in the direction of the parent/child relationship is still up to you. Your ability to remain both calm and connected gives you the greatest chance to address, and influence, any situation.

Thanks again for the feedback (and remember to take care),
Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

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