by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT, Founder and President, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

I cannot really imagine being a single parent. Yes, I’ve counseled with hundreds of them, spoken to hundreds more. And yes, I’ve experienced countless moments of “doing it on my own” with my two kids when my wife was out, or out of town. And yes, unfortunately, I was raised by two single parents after my parents divorced when I was eleven.

But even with those experiences, I do not really know what it’s like to be a single parent. I am nowhere near being able to accurately empathize with those moms and dads struggling to do it on their own night after night. Whether by death or divorce, or whether you’re the custodial or visitational parent, being a single parent carries with it a unique experiential perspective that cannot be fully understood unless you are one.

But rather than extend those of you single parents a little sympathy, I would rather thank you for what I’m learning from you. I think we all can. And here’s what I’m learning so far:

Every parent is a single parent.

One of the things that plagues married parents is the continual negotiation of “who does what” with the kids. I believe a large part of this can be avoided by one simple step—operate as if you’re the only parent around. I know this goes against so much common wisdom about “teamwork” and “united fronts”, but operating this way really has revolutionized my relationships with my children. Here’s why:

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from a very frustrated single parent.

My daughter's father does not treat her like he should sometimes. Examples of this: he called her a b---h once when he was mad and thought she had already hung the phone up. Consequently she does not like to talk to him or go see him.

I have had friends to say my daughter is a very angry person and it is because of her dad's treatment of her. She seems to take it out on me her mother. 90% of the time what comes out of her mouth is negative and angry. And it is over silly things...Her tone of voice is what says it all---- whining and angry.....

Honestly I cannot stand to be around her very much because of all this. Sunday mornings is the only time we get ready at the same time and I am shaking by the time we are ready to go. My daughter cannot even talk without raising her voice and I find I have to talk louder and louder.

What are your thoughts on this situation?
A very frustrated mother

Dear Frustrated Mother,
What you've described is a very common, and very aggravating, situation for single parents, particularly those with primary custody. You work so hard to build a strong relationship with your child, realizing the profound influence that relationship can have. Yet your child, in this case, your daughter, has another profoundly influential relationship, one you cannot control.

Your problem, as you've stated it here, is not with your daughter. While there are relationship issues with her you can address (see below), it is dangerous to focus more on her childish acting out than her father's. His treatment of her, as you've described, is unacceptable and deplorable.

That she's taking it out on you is very common, and here's why: you're an easy target. She spends more time with you, and you are the most readily available relationship to try and work out all her anger and anxiety. That is unavoidably part of the burden of being the custodial parent.

One of the worst casualties of parents splitting up is the one-to-one communication between them. The child, all too often, gets triangled in between the two. Sometimes this seems as innocent as "can you take this message to your mom;" sometimes it is the more obviously damaging name-calls and loyalty-requests. Becoming aware of how you have all become involved in a triangled relationship is the first step out of it. You are not powerless in your situation, but your power is misdirected whenever you try to change your daughter's behavior. What is most effective is concentrating only on your part, on what you can do differently.

Here's what you CAN do:
Address your co-parent directly about your dislike of his behavior. Don't tell him what to do, just tell him you don't like what he's doing and you just wanted him to know that. I know this is difficult because you probably never even talk to him any more. That time is no more. Resolve to never again communicate in any way to him through her.

Address your daughter directly about how you are willing to be treated. Again, this is not telling her what or what not to do, this is simply letting her know of your own level of self-respect. One thing I stress is whenever you make this sort of declaration, don't linger around to get your child's response. This is not about getting a changed response out of her, this is creating a different level of self-respect within you.

Apologize to both your daughter and your ex for whatever ways you have participated in the triangle. You may have talked badly about her dad, you may have sent messages through her, you may have simply stopped talking to him, thereby forcing the go-between. Look at yourself very closely and own up to all the ways you have helped create the situation. I know this is incredibly difficult, especially when you believe your "sins" here are much less damaging than his or even your daughter's.

But creating new patterns of relationship always involves taking our gaze (and blame) off others and focusing on ourselves. By learning to own up to our parts of the pattern, and then learning to exhibit new levels of self-respect, we necessarily change the way people relate with us. It is difficult, but it is possible. Involving a relationship coach or therapist would help tremendously.

And remember to take care,
Hal

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