Selective ignorance [is] a cornerstone of child- rearing. You don't put kids under surveillance; it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.
--Garrison Keillor

In a couple of weeks, I’m participating in a panel discussion at a local high school. There, in front of a very large crowd, I will join four other experts discussing the dangers, the patterns (and the strategies to combat) teenage drug use. The panel discussion is titled “Drug Awareness and Prevention Seminar,” and the PTA is marketing it through a number of channels. Hundreds of anxious parents can be expected.

I’m excited about this opportunity for a number of reasons. Obviously, drugs are a serious concern in every community. And I love working with PTA groups, parents who are connected to and involved in positively shaping the school environment. I’m most excited, though, because here’s a chance to address an audience that isn’t there just to see me. Most of them won’t have even heard of me or the ScreamFree way.

And many of them won’t like what I have to say.

This is because after hearing from the other experts about the very real dangers and danger signs and consequences of drug use, this crowd will have plenty to be anxious about. And if they let that anxiety get the best of them, then they are likely to run home and start to drug-proof their kids. You know—rummage through their rooms, scour through their bookbags, and even start the interrogation process.

So I applaud the Brookwood High School PTSA (Lawrenceville, Georgia) and the drug-prevention organization, ParentCorps, for specifically bringing ScreamFree in to offer a calm (and calming) alternative. I plan to have one single, and simple, message. Now that these eager and well-intentioned parents have plenty to be anxious about, here’s what I believe they need to hear:

What kids need most are parents who do not need them.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from that honest but scared place within so many of us. That place near the end of our rope, wondering if there's still hope.

Dear Hal,

I am having problems with my daughter. She is almost 15. Is there hope?

I love your question. You are obviously in the thick of it with your teenager, and the constant butting of heads is leaving you dizzy. You are definitely not alone.

But your situation, as is everyone else's, is unique. And that's why my answer to your question may surprise you.

Is there hope? Yes and No.

First, the No. No, there may not be the kind of hope you're hoping for. There may be no hope because what you hope for simply isn't possible.

For instance, there is no hope that your daughter will change, or grow up and mature, without you having to do the same. There is no hope that your daughter, and your relationship with her, will go back to the way it was, or leapfrog to the way you want it to be. There is no hope that without making any significant changes of your own, your daughter will magically snap out of her funk and start behaving the way you need her to. There is no hope for this because it is this kind of hope that is actually helping to create the patterns you're already in.

But now for the Yes. Yes, there is always hope in rebuilding a relationship, because all relationships are based on patterns. And there is always hope when we think about patterns, not personalities. Thinking about patterns, we can see the context surrounding behavior. When she directly defies you, what do you do in response? When you respond that way, what does she then do? And on and on.

There is always hope when thinking this way because instead of changing her response, you can just change yours. And that necessarily changes the pattern. When she talks back, and instead of reacting in kind you respond with something different, like empathy ("You must really be upset with me to talk to me like that...tell me more"), then you have automatically changed the pattern. You may not even be able to predict what her response may be.

I always ask parents, when they find themselves stuck in a destructive pattern, "What could you do that would absolutely shock your kid?" What if, in the middle of an argument, you searched for the ways your daughter is right, instead of searching for the ways she's wrong? What if you decided to postpone that next serious conversation and went out shopping instead, never even mentioning the grades, the drugs, the boyfriend, whatever.

Whatever you think would just stop her in her tracks, wondering who suddenly possessed her mom, do it. Find it, and do it, just to change the pattern.

Yes, there is always hope, no matter what mistakes you've made in the past, no matter how far you think your relationship has sunk. There is always hope because there is always a choice to do something different.

And remember to take care,

Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we cannot answer all questions, so we encourage you to present your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country.