By Hal E. Runkel, LMFT

Don’t you know? Talkin’ ‘bout a revolution sounds like a whisper?
-Traci Chapman, “Talkin’ Bout a Revolution"

A world-mover passed away last week. A world-mover who simply refused to move.

Like most of us, Rosa Parks did not see herself as a revolutionary. Yes, she was involved in the local chapter of the N.A.A.C.P. in 1955, and thus she was involved in the civil rights movement. But she was primarily a wife and a seamstress, living in the segregated society of 1950s Montgomery, Alabama. And one day she decided to do something different.

Making the changes we want in our lives, in our relationships, always begins by simply doing something different. This reflects an awareness that all behavior comes couched in a pattern. That’s why you can predict what your son is going to do at bedtime. Or what your daughter is going to say when you tell her what to do. These are patterns, and just as much as you can pinpoint their parts in the pattern, they can pinpoint yours.

The only way to change the pattern is to learn to pinpoint your own part in it. And then do something different. That’s what Rosa Parks did.

In December of 1955, this humble seamstress left her job and went to the bus stop. It was time to go home, and she was tired. When the bus stopped to pick her up, she did as she always had, entering the front door, paying the bus fare, then going back out and reentering through the back door, the “colored” entrance. She then proceeded to take a seat on the fifth row of the bus, which was the first row of the “colored” section. Then the bus left.

And it started to fill up. Before nearing Mrs. Parks’ final destination, the bus was completely full. That meant her fifth row was filled, two African-Americans on the right side, and two across the aisle on the left. Then, at the next stop, a white man entered through the front door. There were no seats available on the first four rows (they were all taken up by white people), so the man, as was customary, went to sit on the fifth row.

Now the segregation law stated that black people were forbidden to: a) sit in the white section; b) share a seat in the black section with a white person, and c) sit across the aisle from a white person. This meant that when the white man moved to sit on the full fifth row, all four black people, by law, had to get up and stand in the back of the bus.

Well, three of them did. One, calmly, did not.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from a stay-at-home mom looking for a reward system to help motivate her kids toward better behavior

Hal,

I liked the AskHal section from last week but it left me with a question: Isn’t a “reward system” a provision of consequences? Positive or negative?

Isn’t me saying, “Talia, you don’t get to watch your movie because you didn’t clean up the living room” or “Talia, as soon as the living room is cleaned up, you can watch your movie, but not before” an on- the-fly reward system? The living room needs to be tidied up and I’m not doing it (there are things that your child must do to be a part of the family “system”, are there not?)

Do I inspire her to put her things away by me cleaning my bedroom? Not sure how effective that’s going to be. I get what you’re saying — of course I understand the basic principles of ScreamFree — but if I was the woman writing the AskHal question, I’d be a little frustrated.

Fritz

Thanks for questioning my response, Fritz. Yours is a question I receive very often, especially when explaining the principal of "Let the Consequences Do the Screaming." That principle is designed to move us away from our anxiety-led ways of changing our kids' behavior, and move toward a calmer appreciation of the power of our kids' freedom to choose. This lets our kids experience the consequences of their choices.

What you're describing is a movement towards just that, letting Talia know precisely what the consequences of her choices are. And that is invaluable not because it's changing her behavior. That's invaluable because you are teaching her through repetition that life carries with it a law of sowing and reaping.

And that's one of the points of "Let the Consequences Do the Screaming": teaching our children (and ourselves) that choices have consequences, freedom has responsibility.

What is NOT one of the points of that principle is using consequences to change our kids' behavior. And there lies the difference between reward systems and the ScreamFree approach. The concern is not to change our kids' behavior, the concern is to change our own. Having consequences in place, and welcoming them into our homes, gives us parents something to do other than tell our kids what to do all the time. It gives us something to do other than "scream" our kids into compliance.

Reward systems are all about manipulating our kids into behaving; letting the consequences do the screaming is all about calming our own behavior and giving our kids the respectful space to make some of their own decisions. It is not our job to make sure our kids behave--that will always be their choice. It is our job to make sure we behave in such a way that allows our kids to learn the lessons of life.

I hope that helps--looking forward to more conversation on the subject!

And remember to take care,

Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a free 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country.