In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's entry comes from our ScreamFree Parenting Forum and it concerns the practical application of the ScreamFree approach.

Hi, I have just finished reading ScreamFree Parenting. I think the book is great and the logic is wonderful. I try not to scream, yell, threaten and scare my children but there comes a time when too much is too much. I am a bit confused about the exact route we are to take. Should I let my son face the consequence of failing?

I read the last success story in the book where the toddler will not clean up before bed so the father instills time outs for her and then for her books. He remains calm and she remains upset until she finally decides to say she misses mommy and then they talk and she ultimately cleans up. What happens if she didn't change her attitude. What happens if she kept standing there screaming and not cleaning until all the movies were in time out? That's what I need to know.

I am not a non believer or skeptic. I just want to make sure i am following this correctly because obviously I want to change how things are going here.

Believe it or not, I struggle with those same practical questions just about every day. I'm not saying that to sound like I can relate; I really do find myself confused sometimes about the "business" decisions I have to make with my kids every day.

By "business" I am referring to those decisions involving scheduling, structure, discipline, chores. You know, all the unpleasant stuff that neither my kids nor I want to deal with. But that's part of our job as parents.

And there are no easy answers. There are no plug-n-play techniques anyone can give that will magically tell you or me how to handle a son who keeps saying "I'm coming!" while the rest of us wait in the car. Or what to do when a daughter lies about doing her homework.

All I can do in those circumstances is make sure I stay calm, and focus myself on one question: "What do I want to do here?" Not "What do I have to do to get my son to do...(fill in the blank)?"

It is not our job to get our kids to do anything, even if try to do so calmly. Any efforts to get our kids to do something are inherently manipulative, and as such will invite out of our kids the very defensiveness we're trying to defeat.

I just try to remember that I cannot ever control my kids' responses; I can only control mine. So how do I want to respond when my kid tries to hold the family hostage by stalling when we have to leave? I don't really know. Sometimes I want to calmly let him know that we're waiting, and every minute we have to wait is an hour he has to spend in his room later. Sometimes I want to just sit in the car and measure my own steam and see how long I can remain calm (this is like lifting ScreamFree weights) and then, when he finally comes down, inform him how much it hurts me when he is so thoughtless of others. Sometimes I want to go to him and work with him to improve his time management, offering a gentle hand to guide through territory that is still very difficult for me, even as a grownup.

Sometimes I just want to drop-kick him into the car.

The point is that any of these responses (except the dropkicking) can be effective in building relationship even if none of them are effective in changing his behavior. And thankfully, that's what ScreamFree Parenting is all about. This is about parenting for the long haul, not engagning in the brief battles that can be so distracting.

And it really sounds like you're doing great because you're asking great questions. Just keep asking.

And remember to take care,
Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Email Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

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