By Hal E. Runkel, LMFT

During college, it was commonplace for me to enter into philosophical conversations about the nature of things. What is truth? What is beauty? What is love?

That last question was always a hot topic. Is love the stuff of romantic fantasies? Or does it only belong to the realm of religious devotion? Most importantly at the time, what does it mean to “like” a girl, and what does it mean to “love” her?

One of my philosophy professors stumbled upon us during one of these speculative conversations, and simply told a story.

He had known a man in his church, a man whose only wife died while giving birth to their only child. Their boy did not escape the tragic birth unscathed, either, unfortunately; it left him practically in a vegetative state. In one afternoon, this man’s life- calling was cast: he would raise an incapacitated son as a widower. The man and son went on to live the rest of their long lives together, my professor explained. And then he showed us that he had been listening to our conversation the whole time.

“You wanna know what love is?” he asked. “Here’s a man who, for the last forty years, has shaved two faces every morning.”

I must confess, I really have no idea what it must be like to be the parent of a child with special needs. Sure, I’ve been around hundreds of kids with physical and mental disabilities, counseled families of such, but that doesn’t mean I know the exhaustion of living with the daily dependencies (and nightly worries) of patiently raising a daughter with severe developmental delays, or stubbornly trying to connect to a son with autism.

Sure, I watched firsthand as my parents battled my brother’s dyslexia and tragic head injuries, but that doesn’t mean I know what it’s like to watch my own child continuously struggle with reading, or stay up nights reading about head trauma and worrying about its effect on long-term life success.

And sure, I, unfortunately, even know the pain of watching my wife battle cancer, I know all too well the dilemma of struggling to handle the unknown future while dealing with the known, at times miserable, present. But I don’t think my experience this past year can tell me of the dilemmas parents must face while deciding upon treatment regimens and school schedules, or the horrible pain a they must feel while holding little hands pricked with chemo IVs.

But many of you know these struggles. Many of you live these lives. And I thank you.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from a mom worried that she's losing her influence over her 15-year-old son.

Dear Hal,
As a mother of 2 sons, I am concerned for the direction in which our relationship is heading. My 20 yr old son seemed to have made it through the teen- age hormonal changes without a lot of difficulty. My 15 year old however has been a bit more of a challenge... Every morning seems to be a struggle, when it comes to asking my son, do you have everything for school, would you like something to eat, could you pick-up your room, etc. I usually recieve some sort of mumble, or smart disrespectful comment...after numerous times, and days of miserable mornings, a mother starts to feel worn out, un-appreciated, and hurt...My husband decided to take matters into his own hands, changing his work schedule. He's now home in the morning to see our son off to school. This may sound great, but where does this teach our son that he needs to respect his mother's requests? When I try to request anything from my son, he usually responds in a quick, non- attentive way, just to get it out of the way. His father asks him, " did you say good-bye to your mother?" he tends to prompt him often with responses that he thinks will make me feel good. I feel this is training that is more like a puppet leader would do, not genuine, or heart-felt. This kind of response from a teen-ager whom you have tried to relate with, be there for every morning.etc. gives me a feeling of worthlessness. Should I step-back, be silent? any suggestions???

Hal here. Thanks so much for the heartfelt question. What I believe you're asking is a question so many of us struggle with:

What can I do to get my child to respect me?

You seem to be realizing that one of the key words in that question is the word "I". This is because you realize that having your husband telling your son to respect you is about as endearing as having your mom tell you to go befriend the ugly kid. You didn't even want to be around the ugly kid, but the fact that she would have to make you just reinforced his lack of confidence and self-respect. Which, of course, made him even uglier and less attractive to be around.

I'm not saying you're ugly, but I think you do realize that needing your child to respect you makes it impossible for him to do so. This is because your need for him to respect you makes you very unrespectable. There's no room for admiration of those that crave it.

And that's the position so many of us place ourselves in. We do for our kids, and we do some more for them, and we do even more for them, and they never seem to appreciate all of our efforts. We want to say, "Don't you know where you would be without me!?!? Don't you realize how much I do for you, and how much you should be grateful, you ingrateful, disrespectful little jerk?"

Which, of course, leads them to disrespect us even more.

The truth is that we simply cannot make anyone respect us. Period. The very effort to do so is what loses their respect, because we need it. What you've probably heard me say before is that "what kids need most are parents that don't need them." Letting go of our need for their respect is the very first step toward creating a more respectful relationship because we are releasing them from having to meet our emotional needs. Needs they are not equipped, nor called, to meet.

People will never respect us any more than we respect ourselves. And if our children see us bending over backwards "for" them, doing as much as you described you do "for" your son in the morning, then they will see that we don't have much self-respect at all. They will see that we still orbit our lives around them, needing them to do well, needing them to perform in order for us to feel good about ourselves as parents.

I cannot tell you what to do in this situation other than just think. Think about what type of relationships you would like to have with your son and husband, and think about how your lack of self- respect gets in the way. As you’ve so wonderfully described, you are now aware that your husband is now changing his schedule, not so much to increase his time with his son, but to make up for your lack of effectiveness!! And you’re right, this is making things worse. The key is now recognizing your part in it, how your weak need for your son’s approval and respect is actually leading you to receive neither.

Respect yourself enough to stop jumping through his immature hoops. Respect yourself enough to be far more concerned about how your day begins that about his (after all, it’s his morning, and his schooling, and his future, right?). Finally, respect yourself enough to never let your husband interfere when your son talks to you in a way that you hate. Simply stand up tall, chin up high, and calmly let your son know that you will not accept that from him. And then walk away.

And if your husband is now at home in the mornings, woo-hoo! Get up early and go for a walk. Go have breakfast with a friend. Sleep in!

And remember to take care,

Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a free 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

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