By Jenny Runkel, Co-Founder, ScreamFree Living, Inc.

(This is a reprint from Jenny Runkel's cancer blog, www.jennyrunkel.com, dated August 25, 2005.)

People ask me all the time how my kids are handling everything...and I never quite know how to answer them. I don’t even know the answer to that question about myself. To be quite honest, that has been one of the hardest parts of this whole thing—watching my kids struggle with my illness.

How do I know they struggle? For the last few months, my son Brandon has been frightened to go anywhere alone. He won’t go up the stairs without someone with him. For a while this frustrated me, until I realized that it is just his little six-year-old way of getting comfort in a really difficult time. Granted, he is my baby and I probably gave in to him more than I should have even before this happened, but it breaks my heart to watch him cling to me. Last night, with Hal away on a short trip promoting the book, Brandon couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stay awake. So, at 9 o’clock, I let him crawl into bed with me. He tossed and turned and then he finally turned to me with his precious little freckled face and said, “Momma, I’m really sorry, but I would feel so much braver and sleepier if you would just put your arms around me while I go to sleep.”

I want to remember that moment forever. It put everything into perspective and made me want to hug away all the stress and confusion that my family has gone through this summer. Parenting well through all of this (the ScreamFree way) has been extremely difficult. It takes a tremendous amount of energy not to lash out when I’m tired and they are acting, well...like kids act. It’s a tough line to toe. I don’t want to let anything go just because I’m sick; that would only make things worse. My kids crave boundaries and structure like nobody’s business. School has been a life-saver for us all. But there is also room for understanding and that’s where it gets tough.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from a mom worried that her struggling marriage is already damaging her children.

Hi Hal, My husband and I have been going through a very difficult time for the past three and a half years. He has been unemployed for most of the past three years and I have been the major breadwinner. While we have tried to make the best of the situation, we have not been able to improve our relationship. I have been battling Lupus, and the pressure of working and making sure I am there for all three kids (10, 6 and 3) has finally caught up to me and I've reached the end of my rope.

The tension between my husband and me is affecting my oldest daughter the most. She feels caught up and is taking it on herself to try to take care of me, as she sees and knows what I'm going through. (Even though I have tried my hardest to not let her see my at my weakest moments) She, in turn, is so stressed out that she is miserable.

How can we work with her to ease the pressure of making her feel she has to be an adult and take on the extra roles and responsibilities?

What's great about your question is your self-awareness. I don't hear any blame on your husband, nor any need for your kids to make life easier for you. You sound sensible in your estimation that your marital struggles are having a damaging effect on your whole family.

The marital relationship is the centerpiece of the family. It is the relationship that shapes all other relationships around it. It is foundation from which our kids will launch into adulthood. That's why divorce is so damaging--it cracks the liftoff platform for our kids, making it difficult to understand age-appropriate living. They either regress and act in surprisingly immature ways, becoming the "problem child" that gives the parents something to focus on other than their marriage, or they jump too far in their maturity in an effort to comfort their parents, not realizing how they're "losing their childhood", as you say, in the process.

Again, you seem aware of this, and that's the most critical step. Now the question remains what you're going to do with this knowledge. You know your daughter is leaping to a position of rescuing you, which means she can tell you need caring for. This means you must make it your number one priority to take care of yourself. This doesn't mean trying to hide your needs, it means learning to take care of them yourself. You know it's not your daughter's responsibility to meet your needs, but you may not know that it's not your husband's job either. No one can meet our needs, emotional, physical, or otherwise, except ourselves.

This means developing new relationships, perhaps with professionals, who can offer you objective guidance, coaching, and care. This means acting "self-centered" with your time, taking radical command of your daily choices. This is going to put people, particularly your husband, in difficult positions sometimes. But you cannot let anything prevent you from taking care of yourself--for everyone else's benefit.

So often we hear self-help experts say that "you owe it to yourself" to take care of your own needs. But that's not the ScreamFree way. You owe it to your loved ones, like your husband and your daughter, to take care of yourself (and free them both up from having to do it for you).

And remember to take care,

Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a free 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country.