There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. ~P.J. O'Rourke

Yes, “Christmastime is Here.” Given a moment’s reflection, you could probably predict a variety of patterns that are likely to take place this holiday season. Cousin Ed will bring yet another weird girlfriend who constantly smacks her gum. Aunt Velma’s certainly going to make that jello concoction that no one ever eats, yet no one ever criticizes. Uncle Frank’s definitely going to slurp too much eggnog and make a fool of himself, and of course, someone’s going to have their feelings hurt long before dinnertime.

Christmas is nothing if not predictable. We know to avoid the mall on the day after Thanksgiving. We know that our kids will change their minds about what they want from Santa just as you pull in from Toys R Us. But don’t forget the patterns that no one talks about yet occur just as regularly. Your best friend will last exactly four day with her new “take it easy this year” approach on her kids’ presents before she breaks. And out of all of your family members, you know darn well who will be the first to get bent out of shape if things aren’t handled “just as they always have been”.

All of this and more is predictable because of one simple, universal rule: When the going gets tough, people get reactive. Whenever life is at its craziest, whenever the collective anxiety gets the highest, that’s when we regress back to our reflexes. And whenever we rely on those knee-jerk reactions they produce, people usually get kicked.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from a mom worried that her struggling marriage is already damaging her children.

Dear Hal,

My 17-year-old son, who is a junior, recently went to a military school. It was his decision. He said that he needed change in his life. He and his friends were smoking tobacco and marijuana, drinking alcohol and maybe even some drugs. We commended him on his decision to change. While at school his grades elevated to straight A's. He was recognized as the "best new cadet."

However, when he comes home on weekends, the first thing he does is to hang out with the same old friends. We tested his blood alcohol and he was drunk just a week ago. He has since apologized and promised that he will change. He said that he does not like disappointing us. He has made promises in the past but they were soon broken. This situation does not offer anything close to "ScreamFree."

I would be very interested in hearing what your advice is.

It sounds like your son is really trying to take control of his own life. That he would have the self- awareness to shun his familiar context for the new structure of military school, in order to give himself a more discilplined life, is rather remarkable. That he is actually thriving in that environment is again, rather remarkable. Your son sounds like a great kid making great strides.

But he's struggling whenever he returns back home for the weekends. Fascinating. Probably not the word you would use to describe it, but I always find it fascinating when different environments provoke different behavior patterns.

What you've reported here is that "the first thing" your son does whenever he comes home for the weekend is run out to be with his friends. I'm curious to find out what your relationship is like with him. What's the mood surrounding his visits? What are the conversations? It would become very tempting to make his drinking the centerpiece of your relationship, so that whether he's drinking is the primary theme of all your thought and conversation.

Your son is struggling to figure out who he wants to be. This is a necessary part of adolesence, but unfortunately his struggle involves self-destructive decisions. Your responses to his struggles can make all the difference in the world. If you let his drinking dominate your relationship with him, then you have no more influence. If he is capable of making the choice to go to military school and succeed, then he is capable of making better choices when he comes home. The question for you is where you want to be when he struggles. If you position yourself as the barrier between him and his friends, making drug/alcohol tests a regular routine, then you're eliminating yourself and your home as an encouraging resource. Your son is away each week in a highly structured environment, and yet even his weekends at home are spent away from you.

Now, of course, all teenagers want to spend more time with friends than parents. But that you all don't spend time together during these weekends says that your relationship needs a lot of work. You are not responsible for his choices-- you know you cannot control him. You are responsible to him, however, to refuse to let his bad choices define him to you, or your relationship with you.

Your son sounds like a great kid. Ask him what he would like from you. What type of relationship he would like to enjoy with you? Schedule time together when he's home (not on Friday nights, of course, when he first gets home) and communicate to him that you care more about him than whether he drinks. Yes, you care about that, but you know he's capable of making good decisions. You're more interested in just continuing to get to know him better as he develops into a man.

And remember to take care,

Hal

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Contact Us Directly. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a free 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

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