Dear Hal:
I am a 43-year-old mother of four children: Annie,
age 12; Ellie, 10; Tommy, 7; and James, 5. James
has autism. Through nothing more than necessity, I
stopped wracking my brains over Annie, Ellie and
Tommy's friendship troubles, homework, and bad
attitudes, and started making them more responsible
for their own problems. I realized that I was a
screamer, and that my screaming was the sole cause
of the lack of peace in our home.
I stepped away from taking responsibility for every
little thing with my children. As a consequence, my
house is a lot more peaceful, and the kids have a lot
more motivation and self-discipline.
James was diagnosed two years ago. His autism blew
a big hole in our world and forever changed the fabric
of our family. James is somewhat verbal concerning
his wants and needs, but he resorts to guiding and
grunting when he's not in the mood to use his words.
We've tried the PECS cards, but honestly, I just
don't have the fortitude to use them consistently. A
good day for me is three square meals, clean laundry,
a house that reasonably neat, and a 9 p.m. bedtime.
Sometimes, the entire family gets frustrated with
James, and our voices are raised with him. To our
discredit, we don't always have a plan for James'
time, and when there's no plan, he gets into loads of
mischief - opening up bottles and dumping the
contents, squeezing all of the toothpaste out, high
pitched screaming, and just general mayhem. We do
everything we can to see that he gets a lot of
exercise. That seems to help him regulate himself.
Do you have any ideas? I really get tired
of "education speak" when I talk to his therapists and
teachers. I need practical advice on how to get
through the days and help him to manage his own
impulses. I have four children who are moving in four
entirely different directions. The "helpful" suggestions
offered to me just don't work in a big and busy
family. James is physically strong and growing more
and more each day. I'm concerned about his lack of
impulse control as he gets older. Is there any way
your principles can be applied to a child with autism?
Help!
Lisa R.
And from forum participant, allyn42, came this reply:
Lisa R.,
I'd love an answer to that question also! I
asked it at one of Hal's seminars and one principle he
shared with me is that parents like us need a bigger
oxygen mask.
To these and all parents of children with autism, I
say thank you. Thank you for your questions, and
thank you for your steadfast struggle to be great
parents, even when you don't have answers. And I
have to admit that I don't really have any answers,
either.
What I can say is allyn42, you are absolutely right.
My biggest response to questions about autism is
that you parents have to work even harder to take
care of yourselves, because your job as parents will
tax you much more heavily than most. So the better
you can take care of yourselves, with frequent and
regular breaks away from your kids, the better you
will be when you're with them.
And that sounds like what you're beginning to
recognize, Lisa. You are taking HUGE steps to
regulate your own anxiety, and your family is
benefiting. You have every reason to be proud of
yourself.
As for working with James, you are on the right
track. You are even recognizing there are things you
could be doing that actually work to bring stability to
the situation. For more tips and autism-specific info,
I strongly endorse the website,
www.autismtoday.com. This site has
tremendous resources on the topic, and expert
advice and forums for parents who are journeying
through this challenging process.
But you are also recognizing, Lisa, that you do not
always have the fortitude to stay structured. That's
why you need a bigger oxygen mask. That's why you
need to do whatever it takes to take care of
yourself--so that you won't need your kids,
especially James, to have a great behavior day in
order for you to feel competent. Remember that your
competence, and your validation as a parent, comes
from your behavior, not your kids'.
Last year I wrote an article addressed to parents of
kids with special needs. It was called Special
Needs, Special Love (click here to read it). I
wrote it not as an answer, but rather a thank you
note to all those parents who teach the rest of us
what it means to love our kids.
Thank you,
Hal
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