by Hal E. Runkel, LMFT

Despite my love for Paul McCartney’s post-Beatles work with Wings, I have to agree with John Lennon on this one: the world is full of silly love songs. Romantic love is the most overplayed sentiment in music, especially when it tries way too hard to be sentimental. In fact, that’s my definition of the popular slang word “cheesy.” My kids hear me use that term all the time and last year they finally asked me for a definition. After much thought (it’s actually quite difficult to define), here’s what I came up with: “cheesy” refers to any extreme effort to be sentimental. (Of course, then I had to define “sentimental”...)

But I believe that definition applies to what Lennon was referencing when, upon the Beatles breakup, he lamented that Paul only wanted to fill the world with “silly love songs.” { Listen to a clip on Amazon}Words which Paul, of course, adopted into a song titled just that. (And I actually like that song.) But even so, John was right. And the trend towards silly and cheesy love ballads hasn’t stopped in the 37 years since he made that statement.

For those of us already married, though, we know that most of those songs simply do not reflect reality. Most of those songs are only concerned with the immature efforts to woo some woman or saddle some stud. But the truth is that it’s after the wedding bells chime that the real adventure begins. And few songs are able to capture the ongoing “what now?” of marriage. Few songs are able to articulate how marriage is perhaps the most difficult, and yet promising, relationship we can experience.

I have found one such song, however. Unfortunately, the music of this song is incredibly cheesy. So cheesy, in fact, that it’s been used in hundreds of commercials and most of us cringe, or laugh, whenever we hear the melody. But then we miss the words. And I believe the words of this song are ridiculously profound. They are able to express the essence of what I believe marriage is all about: a long, daring, difficult journey of two people’s personal growth so intertwined that they can actually, occasionally, experience life as one.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the masterpiece of one-hit wonder Dan Hill, “Sometimes When We Touch” (cue the strings):

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
In what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
To see the real you

{Do you remember the song? Listen to a clip on Amazon}

Right from the opening verse, we hear that this song is different. “I’d rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie”? Are you kidding me? That’s one of the most integrity-filled statements I’ve ever heard, and it the type of courageous honesty that every relationship needs. No wonder none of us ever say it. Over and over, we choose to avoid any pretense of voluntarily hurting our spouse. We’re reticent to tell them when they’ve got bad breath, much less be honest with them about our feelings. I once worked with a client who would nag her husband to near death, but would never dare tell him he’s fat. “That’s just rude,” she would say. But it’s not rude to hide your disdain for his body and leave him wondering why you won’t have sex with him anymore?