By Jenny Runkel
Sept. 2, 2005

“After the flood, all the colors came out...”
-Bono, U2, “Beautiful Day”

As I write this, thousands of people in New Orleans and the surrounding areas are struggling to survive. Millions are wondering when they’ll even have a city to come home to. I watched the news last night in disbelief. The Superdome looks like a shell and the French Quarter is floating with debris. These are national landmarks and it shocks us as a country to see them changed by chance.

The thing that struck me the most about the scene was not the floating cars or the hundreds of emergency vehicles waiting at the ready, though. It was one quick shot of a family stranded on their porch signaling to the media helicopter with a flashlight. The father was flashing an SOS signal with one hand and holding a child in the other. The water was up to their knees and was rising.

These are people just like you and me. They own businesses and attend PTO meetings. They saved up for sofas and new cars. They cherish their photo albums and family heirlooms. Only they have just lost everything. Their homes are ruined, their water contaminated, and their “normal” has forever been changed all by one turn of a storm. One of these people is my brother Michael. He lives in Gulfport, Mississippi. He and his girlfriend and her baby evacuated in time, thank God, but their home is probably a pile of toothpicks this morning. He is 21 years old and is just getting his life together after a rough start. Now he has to start again.

This could very well turn out to be the worst natural disaster in our nation’s history. My husband told our family all about the happenings over dinner last night. As he talked about the rising water and the trapped people, I watched my six-year-old son’s lips tighten and his brow furrow.

“But, Daddy,” Brandon protested, “God said he’d never do that again. And He keeps His promises!”

“Do what again?” someone asked.

“Flood the world!” he exclaimed in a reference to the Noah story from the Hebrew Bible.

Brandon was angry. Others around the table jumped in quickly and tried to explain the particulars. When the rainbow appeared, God promised he wouldn’t flood the world again, but this was just a small portion of the world. Brandon didn’t care. That was a technicality to him.

“But he promised! He promised he wouldn’t flood, but he did and people are dying because of him? Why?”

The anxiety at the table was palpable. Some tried to explain the logic another way, but it was futile to this soft-hearted six-year-old. Hal stepped in and said, “Look everyone, there is no easy answer – let him question.” Later, after dinner we talked about how while God is all-powerful, sometimes bad things just happen. That’s life. It sometimes doesn’t make sense and easy answers only stop us from wrestling with that fact. They don’t really help, they just make us stop questioning.

While it hurts to watch my kids struggle, I hope my kids never stop asking those kinds of questions. I hope I never do either.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's entry comes from Hal responding to numerous questions about "Back to School". Questions like "How do I get my kid to do his homework?", or "How can we adjust to this new schedule of getting up at 6:00AM every day?" Here are three principles to help guide us all during this hectic time.

1. Use the fresh start to begin some new routines, but don't go overboard. Some parents use the start of the new school year as a way to seemingly correct every mistake they've ever made, setting up unrealistic expectations for everyone. "This year's going to be different! This year we will have a rule that everyone must get up on their own without complaining, make their bed and get dressed (without complaining), and brush their teeth (without complaining) before coming downstairs for breakfast. Instead talk calmly about the new year and the possibilities for a fresh start. Invite your kids' feedback about some new routines they would like to start (I guarantee their answers will surprise you). And most importantly, outline some new routines for yourself and make them known to your kids (getting up earlier, only offering one reminder about the time, etc.). That way they will hold you accountable as well.

2. Let your kids drive the homework boat. Students are never more inspired to sharpen their academic focus than at the start of a new year. This is mainly because the clean slate means they're not having to make up for any bad grades or uncompleted assignments. The quickest way to dampen this natural new enthusiasm is automatically assume the opposite. If we assume that the clean slate is going to make our kids more lax than usual, and we let our anxiety about this lead us, then we'll jump out of the gate with a renewed focus to help our kids focus. And it won't be long before we're in the dreaded pattern of hovering and haranguing over homework. Instead, allow your kids to drive. Give them some wide parameters about homework scheduling and allow them to find their best groove. This means letting them know the times they cannot do their homework (after 9pm for instance) instead of telling them the times they have to do it (right after school, or there's no play time!). The thing to always remind ourselves is that their homework is theirs, and learning the responsibility of doing it (and tasting the consequences of not doing it) is as valuable as the content of the work itself.

3. Remember the first word in “extra-curricular” is “extra.” No parenting trend seems more stereotypical these days than the push to overschedule. We all recognize it in those families that are always, always on their way to another kids’ activity. But it’s usually difficult to recognize in ourselves. My wife recalls a time that our daughter, in her nightly prayers, once thanked God for “the car that we live in.” Studies repeatedly show that children learn more through play and relaxed social interaction than they do through formal team events and structured activities. The structure our children need most, especially when 8 hours of their day is already structured in school, is a balanced extra- curricular life. This means time for play, time for structured activities, time for homework, time for vegging in front of the TV, time for relaxed meals, time for household chores, time for sleep.

And remember to take care,
Hal

Want to read all of Hal's past "Ask Hal" replies? Check out the new Ask Hal Archives page here.

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Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Email Us Directly at AskHal@ScreamFree.com. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country. We post many AskHal questions in the forum, and they make for interesting and engaging forum topics.

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