By Jenny Runkel

As a teacher, I know when I am susceptible to burnout. And a few weeks ago, the writing was on the wall--make that the dry erase board. I was in trouble. Little things that I used to handle with ease were making me snap. The knot in the middle of my shoulder blades was so big that I decided to name it. When I actually uttered the phrase, “This is the most difficult school year I’ve ever had!”, I knew I was on the verge. Um...remember last year, Jenny? I had cancer, for crying out loud! I taught through chemotherapy and radiation. I looked like a bloated mannequin back then, only less tan. Now I am fully recovered and can even complain about bad hair days again. So how did this school year get so bad?

I think it all started with a pet peeve. I grade a boatload of papers and my eyes are none too good, so I cannot stand it when my students write on both sides of the page. Their handwriting is hard enough to decipher on a good day, but when I have to read their doctor-esque script through the bleeding ink from the other side of the paper, it becomes darn near impossible. So, on the first day of class, I tell my eager young scholars that they are to write on the front of the page only, in pen, on loose leaf paper. If they fail to do so, I will deduct points from the assignment.

Simple enough request, right? I thought so too. Until the first wave of papers came back. I found myself swimming neck deep in smudgy pencil marks, with unintelligible scribble on both sides of crumpled up spiral paper. Not just one or two, mind you, but the vast majority.. Something must have gone wrong. They must have misheard my instructions. I couldn’t possibly take points off if this indeed were the case, so I decided to talk to the kids about the problem and explain myself in more detail. I didn’t want to start off the year coming across as a tyrant. I decided to give them another chance.

So I lectured, and they listened. They nodded and I sighed in relief. But next round of papers? More of the same. This time, I huffed and complained. I shook my head and threw up my hands. And what was the result? You guessed it...more of the same. It actually even got worse. The papers weren’t the only things going terribly wrong now. Kids were bringing assignments in late, whining about tests being too difficult, and forgetting their books and materials on a regular basis.

Sure, they complained and begged for understanding, and for even more chances. The more “understanding” I was of their circumstances, though, the worse things got. And then I couldn’t understand why they didn’t appreciate me. I was doing so much for them! Why didn’t they try harder? Study more? Follow directions?

They didn’t have to.

I was taking on all of their responsibilities as my own, and it was wearing me out.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question comes from a struggling mom trying juggle the blending of two families.

Dear Hal, I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 20mths, living together for about 7mths. We both have young children--mine are boys aged 8 and 4, his are a girl aged 8 and a boy 6. Our issue is how to blend the 2 sets of kids when we only have his children every other week. Mine are with me all week and then with their father for the weekend. The children also attend different schools in the area which makes me into the taxi driver. Our upbringings and consequent parenting skills we now have are totally different from each other.....how do we juggle these please? Debbie

When listening to or reading someone's question, I always pay special attention to the exact language they use. In this case, Debbie, the way you worded your final question is very telling.

Many, many people are attempting to "juggle" all the responsibilities in their life. Marriage, kids, work, kids' sports, church, kids' activities, dinner, kids' homework. Another expression I hear is "keeping all the plates spinning." What's fascinating about these metaphors is that they both come from the playful arena of the circus, or vaudeville. Jugglers tossing multiple objects in the air and plate spinners sp-, well, spinning multiple plates. All to the amazement and enjoyment of the audience. But in most families caught up in these circus acts, there is little amazement and little joy. This is because in these families, parents are the entertainers responsible for everything and the kids become the spectators to their own lives.

This can especially happen in blended families, where overresponsible parents (usually the stepmom, incidentally) try way too hard to overcompensate for the hardships of the divorce. I believe the biggest challenge facing blended families is the unspoken desire to make like a "normal" family. Considering that "normal" families are also caught up in the juggling act, this shouldn't become anyone's goal. I suggest striving to lead an "abnormal" family life. One where one parent works hardest to figure out what her responsibilities are, and what they are not.

• I am responsible for how I parent my kids when I have them
• I am not responsible for how my spouse parents

• I am responsible for providing a stable home structure for my kids
• I am not responsible for overcoming every hardship my kids face, even the ones I helped create but cannot take back (like a divorce)

• I am responsible for taking care of myself so that I don't need my kids to comfort, or acknowledge, or appreciate me
• I am not responsible for all the emotions my kids experience, and I should not be arrogant enough to take them all personally

• I am responsible for loving my spouse and his/her kids, but not in the same way I love my own
• I am not responsible for raising my spouse's kids

• I am responsible for providing calm and calming leadership in my family
• I am not responsible for anxiously trying to "blend" anything

Debbie, those last two are obviously for you. I do not know you, nor do I fully know your situation, but I believe you know that you are trying to "juggle" things that are simply not your responsibility. Does that mean leaving things up to others, like your ex, your partner, and his ex? Absolutely. Does that mean beginning to leave more things up to the kids? Absolutely. Does that mean leaving things up to the mysteries of the universe? Absolutely.

But not everything. Concentrate on those things that are purely yours, those responsibilities that absolutely no one else can or should do but you. And perform in those to the best of your ability. You may find yourself actually enjoying just doing your part of the circus act.

And take care,
Hal

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