By Hal Runkel, LMFT

Undoubtedly, many of us heard this exact question this past Mothers' Day: "It's no fair Mommy gets a day; why don't we get a kids' day?" And undoubtedly, many of us came back with this exact reply: "Because every day is kids' day!"

I remember having that same interchange with my parents when I was a kid. Seems almost universal and timeless-kids don't think mothers and fathers should get their own day, and mothers and fathers think kids should be more grateful that every day is all about the kids.

Well, both are wrong. I believe every day is Mothers' Day. And every day is kids' day.

This is because every day belongs to us, and it is up to each of us to spend it as we see fit. Whenever we exclaim that "every day is kids' day," we are explaining our own frustration with parenting-it seems that we have to put our own lives on hold in order to live only for our kids' benefit. It makes perfect sense, therefore, to have one day a year where the kids take a turn living for Mom or Dad. We deserve it for all the sacrifices we make the other 364 days a year, right?

Whenever I start to feel that way, I have to ask myself some serious questions. Is that what I'm doing-sacrificing my life for the sake of my kids? Is that why I'm doing this sacrificing-to have my kids finally make me feel appreciated and respected?

The difficult truth to face is that all too often I love my kids for my own benefit, hoping that I'm doing what is best for them by neglecting myself, and hoping that they will respect me more than I respect myself. After all, when Fathers' Day comes up and they give me "permission" to go and play golf, then I won't feel as selfish as I normally do when I take the links. Is that how it works for you, that you cherish your gender's day so that at last you can get permission to take care of yourself and feel justified in doing so?

Every day is Mothers' Day because every day belongs to you. And your number one responsibility is to focus on yourself and take care of yourself in order to be the best mom you can be. It is your job to pamper yourself and reward yourself and most importantly, respect yourself. That is not in your kids' job description. It is their job to respect themselves, not feel goaded into appreciating you one day of the year and then take all they can from you the rest of the time.

So here's an idea: before Mothers' Day gets here, you moms go out and do something for yourself without asking anyone else's permission. Do something that you love (exercise, massage, cup of coffee, nap, whatever) that makes you feel strong and confident, and tell no one else about it except God. You'll be amazed at how capable and attentive you'll be when you return to your family.

And they'll be amazed to see you calmer and more connected. That's the path to becoming ScreamFree.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's entry comes from a woman entering that sometimes craved, sometimes dreaded phase of life called "the empty nest."

Dear Hal:
My last kid is going away to college in the fall, and I'm a mess. I'm not too worried about him, I'm more worried about me and my husband moving on without the kids around. I hear all these statistics about divorce in the empty nest phase, but my husband just shrugs it off and says we've got nothing to worry about. Any thoughts?
Angela L.

Thanks so much for the question, Angela. And yes, of course, I've got some thoughts on the subject. Probably too many thoughts on the subject. So, in an effort to prioritize these thoughts of mine, I'll present a simple top ten list of things to think about as you begin to launch your kids (and possibly yourselves) from the family nest.

1. The empty nest was the whole point to begin with. Everything in our parenting journey points to preparing them for life without us. So congratulate yourself.
2. With drastically improving longevity estimates, the empty nest is increasingly becoming the gateway to the longest phase of our lives. By no means is life over. In many ways a new life is just beginning for you and your husband.
3. Divorce rates are quite high for empty nesters, you're right. The question to ask ourselves is this: Now that I don't have the kids to keep us together, what will keep us together? What would I like that to be?
4. The Hebrew Bible says that leaving mom and dad is the first step toward joining with your spouse. In the empty nest phase, leaving our kids is the first step toward reconnecting with our spouse. No, parenting is not done, but yes, we must leave our kids to their own lives and focus on our new one.
5. Spouses will never experience this phase exactly the same way at the same time. It's okay if your spouse wants to keep holding on to the kids--you don't have to. It's okay when one of you wants to start new things-- you don't need each other's cooperation to make it work.
6. Viagra, Cialis, Horny Goat Weed, whatever. Better living through chemistry--bring it on.
7. You know all those things you wanted to do, but felt you couldn't because you had kids? Do 'em.
8. Never retire. Change occupations, change work format and times, find projects that inspire you and benefit others besides yourself. But never retire. Studies consistently show that retirement only hastens aging, dampens passion, and turns marriages into spouse-obsessed nursing homes for two. Everyone needs to pursue something larger than themselves and outside of their families.
9. Don't always be immediately available to your kids. When I took my kids skiing for the first time, the ski instructor said the best thing parents can do is hand their kids off to other instructors. If you are always there, she said, then the kids "will always lean on you. And they will never learn to lean on themselves." And as we're launching ourselves, I think the same can be said of us.
10. Never hesitate to surround yourself with advisers. Consult financial planners, tax strategists, business mentors, and family therapists. The hallmark of maturity, I believe, is the ability to ask for help just for yourself. So if you're worried about this phase, consult a therapist and invite your husband. And then go, even if he doesn't join you.

This phase is going to challenge you to be the best you possible. Accept that challenge, and you'll be amazed at how others discover a newfound appreciation, respect, and affection for you.

Congratulations. You've completed your job as a parent!

And remember to take care,
Hal

Want to read all of Hal's past "Ask Hal" replies? Check out the Ask Hal Archives Page for the ScreamFree approach to your common parenting and relationship issues.

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Email Us Directly at AskHal@ScreamFree.com. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country. We post many AskHal questions in the forum, and they make for interesting and engaging forum topics.