by Hal Runkel

Sibling rivalry is a phenomenon that originates from Freud's thoughts about competition in the family for mom's affection and dad's approval. Technically speaking, it is a construct used to make sense of the observed battles between siblings and their efforts to triangle a parent into their side of those battles.

But I don't believe in the construct, so I refuse to characterize those battles as such. It's not that my kids and the kids of my clients don't go toe-to-toe at times, or even what seems like most of the time. It's just that I refuse to diagnose my kids with a condition that says all of those battles have something to do with my attention, affection, or approval.

And that's the real problem of "sibling rivalry." It is another way to orbit parents' lives around their children. It is another way of guilting parents into thinking that they are responsible for their children and their choices. By framing it as "sibling rivalry," it's as if somehow, some way, even our kids' immature battles in the back seat are a statement about our implicit favoring of one over the other. We can't just characterize it as kids experimenting with relationship boundaries, we have to label it in a way that makes parents, once again, feel responsible for their kids. And feel guilty about that responsibility.

Read more of this article.

Each week, we choose a question submitted by those of you out there in the trenches who are trying to be ScreamFree in all sorts of circumstances. This week's question deals with a frightened mom who needs help keeping tabs on a wandering preschooler. Read on to see what Hal has to say about this often panic-inducing scenario.

Hi Hal,
I am challenged with a 3 year old who doesn't understand danger. I have to keep him in a stroller or cart at any store or he'll walk away and wander on his own. When we're at home he just wants to go outside all the time. The problem is he seems to find many ways to escape when I'm not looking. I've actually lost him for 45 minutes one time.

I once asked a police officer how long should I wait before calling for their help. He told me to check all hiding places in the house then surrounding outside areas and then not more than 15 minutes should call them. Well, after Thanksgiving day we lost him again and had to call. We of course found him in the back of our neighborhood, but I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I have door chimes that I can turn on and off. I have latches but don't always remember to latch them. He figures out the safety knobs and how to open windows then kick out the screen. He's even taken a stool out the garage to push the button. We send him to time out and his room when he goes out by himself, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. We have a fenced in back yard but he doesn't like to go alone because it's a staircase down.

What can I do to help this young child understand how important it is not to wander off on his own? I don't want him to be afraid like my 5 year old is to do anything by himself, but I just need a piece of mind. Please help if you can. Tifanie

Thanks for the honest question. Nothing seems to stir our most primal emotions like the idea of our kids in danger. I remember losing one of our kids a couple of years ago at Disneyworld. She's come back since then (just kidding). But seriously, the 15 minutes or so I couldn't locate her was truly terrifying. As strongly calm and ScreamFree as I was trying to be, I could feel so many internal, physiological reactions swelling together. My voice was the telltale sign of my panic, getting louder, shakier, and alarmed by the moment. All I wanted was to find her, embrace her, and then slap on one of those toddler leashes so she would never leave my sight again!

But you don't have to go to Orlando to experience the panic. It sounds like you've been feeling it quite a bit lately, just in and around your home. Here are my initial thoughts. Your three-year-old is asking, in his own immature way, for you to let him know his place. In terms of structuring our homes, our kids need (and actually want) us to let them know their space and their place. Their space is the area around themselves and their lives over which they have complete say. This area is obviously very limited when our children are young, and ever-expanding as they get older. It is our kids' job, as they grow, to keep pushing the envelope in order to claim as much space as possible. This is not diabolical and greedy, but a very necessary part of growing up, especially considering that their entire lives are pointing toward a day when their whole lives will actually be up to them. If we parents see our job as preparing them for that day, then it is our job to continually give them their space, allowing them the freedom and responsibility that comes with making their own decisions.

Our kids also, however, need to know their place. This is where their space ends. This is where their decision-making freedom stops. Believe it or not, our kids are actually asking us to provide these boundaries. This is because structure is actually comforting. Having some decisions not up to us is actually freeing. Having parents set up and maintain our place, this outline of our space, makes them trustworthy. And kids crave it, even when they're bumping up against it. Even when they're testing it.

I often ask parents in my seminars whether they feel "tested" by their kids. Everyone raises their hands. That's because whenever we feel tested by our kids, we are actually being tested by our kids! They are testing us, in their immature ways, to see if we can be trusted, to see if we can be the true grownups our kids so desperately need. And when we can respond with calm resolve, when we refuse to freak out or flake out when our kid is in danger, then we pass the test.

Your son is testing you, Tifanie, and he wants you to pass. You know he is not some "fearless" kid without any personal concern for safety, because you've seen him scared to go down the back stairs by himself. This is not about his developing personality, this is about a particular test between him and you. He is pushing the garage door button because he knows it is a way to push your buttons.

But it doesn't have to. By your own report, you know of some structural "place" pieces you can do better (door chimes, latches). You also know that you are tempted to let your dynamic with your 5-year-old ("afraid to do anything") shape how your interact with your 3-year- old. It seems like some of the space/place issues are reversed here, and often that means each child knows the same thing: mom's anxiety is the real scary thing here. The older kid (as if often the case) doesn't test that by avoiding danger at all costs. The younger kid goes all out to test mom to see if maybe she will become aware of the problem. Now no one is conscious of these processes, but thankfully, the way out of this dynamic is the same: focus on you.

The calling here is not to focus on strengthening your 5-year-old, nor on restricting your 3-year-old. The calling here is for you to "rise above the fray" and make remaining calm and resolute your number one priority. Your main priority is not to make sure your children never get hurt, it is to make sure that no matter what, you are in control of yourself. If that means spending more time securing the latches than playing with your kids, then you do it because you know that's what you need to do in order to calm your anxiety. If that means establishing clear, new consequences for one child if he gets out and the other if he won't go play outside, then do it--not so much for them, but in order for you to feel more calmly confident about having a structure in place.

Finally, that means examining your own sense of space and place. So often, moms feel the burden of responsibility for their young children so heavily that they secretly feel trapped in their "place"--at home watching their kids. With all the demands on their time, their bodies, their wits...they feel little regard for their own space, from others or from themselves. I don't know if this is the case with you, Tifanie, but I'm guessing it is. Doing whatever you can do to develop yourself as a calm, connected, and balanced woman is the best thing you can do for your children.

Or you can always try the leash.

Take Care, Hal

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