By Dave Markert, ScreamFree Marketing Director

Be careful what you say. Your kids are listening. I learned this lesson very well at 3:00 A.M. on the day of my hike into the Grand Canyon to raise funds and awareness for cancer.

I spent months preparing for this hike and the day was finally here. I was paranoid about missing this "chance of a lifetime", so I arranged for a series of alarms to go off and rouse me from my slumber. My cell phone clock was set, my alarm clock was set, a wake up call was arranged from the front desk, and my fellow hiker Albert was scheduled to call as well.

In the small hotel room with two double beds, the cacophony of wake up alarms could not help but wake up the rest of the family, which included my nine year old daughter. I readied myself with my hiking poles, boots, electrolyte tablets, salt pills, and 160 oz. of life-sustaining water. I was prepared to head out of the door at about 3:30 A.M.

Upon my attempt to leave, my daughter started to cry. With tired and puffy eyes, she was clinging to me, holding on for dear life. What began as a sweet goodbye was quickly turning into a defcon level 5, full thermonuclear meltdown. She was begging me not to depart and she started hyperventilating through her sobs.

This was bizarre. For the last several weeks as I trained for this hike into the Grand Canyon to support cancer research, she (and my other daughter) had been extremely supportive of the effort... proudly telling their friends and teachers of how "My daddy is going to hike into the Grand Canyon to help people with cancer". She understands the whole idea of fundraising as they do "Jump Rope For Heart" at school, not to mention all the other fundraisers we're involved in as a family. So why this meltdown now, just minutes before the hike was set to begin?

Was she sad that she couldn't go with me? Did she really want to get ready at 3 A.M. herself and hike thirteen miles while ingesting salt pills? It took all of my resolve and most of my ScreamFree muscles to sit with her as she cried. I was tempted to chalk her tears up to exhaustion and be on my way, but I have learned to sit through these times of anxiety. They always teach me something. After some ten minutes of extraction, I got the real issue out of her. When I did, I was shocked at her response.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of you, our faithful readers. Today's entry comes from a dedicated mom of a teen wondering how to handle her boy now that he towers over her.

Dear Hal,
Discipline used to be so simple, but now that my son is a teenager, I'm dealing with a child who is six inches taller than me! I'll set consequences like taking away his cell phone, but how do I get him to hand it over? How do I control my teen now that he's physically stronger than me?

Your ability to influence your child has nothing to do with your physical size or strength. Your integrity is the greatest influence your kids will ever know. So, mean what you say, say what you mean, and follow through. Using force to coerce your child to do something may work in the short term, but what does that do to the relationship between you in the long run? If you've used force up to this point to assert your authority, this will be a tough change to make, but it's a vital one. Instead of thinking about yourself in an adversarial role, try imagining yourself as a change agent: one who influences rather than controls. After all, we are hoping to create self-reliant, intrinsically motivated adults. What's the best way to encourage that? It's not force or control.

Become the influential force in your teen's life through respect. Not by demanding respect from your teen, but rather by extending it to him. Respect him in your words and actions. Respect the choices he make, even the ones you disagree with. When he makes a choice that has a clear consequence that either you or another authority established, respect your teen enough to let him taste those consequences.

If junior loses cell phone privileges but won't surrender his phone, don't try to make him. Chances are, you'll lose a battle of the brawn at this point. Instead, put your best tool to work, your creativity. Simply call the cell phone provider and have his service disconnected.

And remember to take care,
Hal

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