By Hal E. Runkel, LMFT

We gave her most of our lives
Sacrificed most of our lives
...Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly?
-The Beatles, “She’s Leaving Home”

Okay, I admit it. I was wrong. A couple of weeks ago I claimed it was a self-evident truth that U2 had surpassed The Beatles as the greatest musical group in history. Given the amount of vitriolic feedback I received, you would have thought I had promoted Hitler as the ideal ScreamFree Leader.

So to all of you, I admit it. I was wrong and you were right. The Beatles are the greatest group of all time.

And here’s how I came to my senses. First of all, my wife, Jenny, threatened to leave me unless I recanted. Anyone who’s seen her Fab-Four poster- laden high school classroom knows she’s a Beatles fanatic. I explained to her that such a threat wasn’t very indicative of a ScreamFree Marriage, and she then asked me if I would be interested in a SexFree Marriage. I told Jenny that such an arrangement would actually be her loss. She looked at me with that Jennifer Grey in “Ferris Bueller”-kind of “you’ve got to be joking” look.

Secondly, I remembered a relatively underplayed Beatles classic from their monumental Sgt. Pepper’s album. One of my points about U2 was the poignancy of their lyrics. But in “She’s Leaving Home,” The Beatles demonstrated that in addition to their silly love songs and psychedelia, they could write some of the most truthful, touching lyrics ever composed.

Especially when they agree with me. ;)

The song tells the story of a young woman bravely deciding that it’s finally time to venture out on her own. That she has to do so by awaking earlier than her parents, and merely leaving them a good-bye note, tells us all we need to know about the nature of their relationship.

Wednesday morning at five o'clock, as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief
Quietly turning the backdoor key
Stepping outside...she is free

Some of you may be taking your kids off to college this month. Maybe some of you will be taking your kids to kindergarten for the first time. And you’ve probably been in planning mode for this departure, probably even looking forward to it. For the family in the song, however, this was not a planned launching of a daughter into her own life; this was a daughter’s desperate escape.

In this section of our newsletter, we have Hal answer a direct question asked by one of our ScreamFree Parents. Today's question concerns a familiar issue with a teenager.

I have a 13 year old son who is really starting to push my buttons for about the last 1 1/2 years. He in the past was a fighter and now that this has past he has started to mess up in school in math and science. I realize these are not strong subject for most kids and got him a tutor. Long story short I am having a problem with him turning is his homework (its complete) and being class clown. The teachers all agree that he is capable of an A, but will not apply himself and its just a phase. How long does this last? I've tried losing it, talking and taking away games or not letting him go different places with family until he gets it together.
At my wit’s end
Monica:))))

I love the way you signed off your question, Monica. "At my wit’s end" is how so many of us feel every day as parents. You are definitely not alone (even though it may feel like it!).

So let's look at why. While I don't know your story, I can tell from your question that you are racking your brain trying to figure out your son, figure out what makes him tick, figure out how to motivate him to action. His resistance to all these efforts has led you to take responsibility for his choices. You said "I am having a problem with him (not) turning in his homework" (even though it's complete).

The critical step is seeing that YOU are not having a problem, HE is. Only he doesn't see it that way. You have told him, by accepting responsibility for his choices, that he doesn't have to be responsible himself. His homework and misbehavior are not HIS problem as long as you see them as YOURS.

What we create in that circumstance is a game, with our child left feeling that he now needs to turn in his homework for your benefit. He feels your anxious need for him to change, and that actually de- motivates him to do so.

The question to ask ourselves is this: why in the world should my child do his/her homework? What would they say to that question? Because I told them so? That simply does not keep anyone motivated for very long, and it does nothing to help them become owners of their own lives.

Usually, the thing to do is the very thing we ourselves have resisted doing--letting go of our need to make our children behave. And letting go of allowing their misbehavior to define our relationship. This looks like this: genuinely caring more about how his friendships are going than how his grades are doing; deliberately choosing to ask him lots of questions, none of which have to do with school; beginning to relate with him in a way that communicates his schoolwork is his, his life is his, and yours is yours.

If you want to start afresh this school year, remember that you can be there to help, but only if he asks for it.

And remember to take care,
Hal

Want to read all of Hal's past "Ask Hal" replies? Check out the new Ask Hal Archives page here.

Do you have a Parenting question for Hal, the author and creator of ScreamFree Parenting? Email Us Directly at AskHal@ScreamFree.com. We will answer a limited number of questions in upcoming newsletters.

Please note that we also cannot respond to all questions and can not always evaluate your specific challenge. If you want further feedback on your individual situation, we encourage you to explore Relationship Coaching with Hal or any of our team members. You can get a f!ree 20 minute evaluation of your situation to determine if coaching is right for you by contacting us here.

You can also share your questions or parenting issues in the ScreamFree Parenting Forum. Here you can interact with other parents on the ScreamFree Journey and share your questions and successes. Visit the ScreamFree Parenting Forum today and discuss parenting issues with parents all over the country. We post many AskHal questions in the forum, and they make for interesting and engaging forum topics.

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