Groundhog Day
Monday, February 1, 2010
By: Jenny Runkel

Ever feel caught in the same battle with your kids...in the same battle with your kids...in the same battle with your kids...?

Ever since Bill Murray’s classic movie of the same name hit the screen some 17 years ago, I haven’t thought about this strange little holiday in the same way. And I’m not alone. Thanks to his classic performance and the universal nature of the film’s theme, the very term “Groundhog Day” has become synonymous with the notion of living the same day and fighting the same battles over and over again. And I thought, hmmmm….isn’t that a lot like parenting?

In the movie, big shot Philadelphia weatherman Phil Connors is assigned the task of covering the local proceedings surrounding Groundhog day in Punxsutawney, Pa. Phil begrudgingly “interviews” the town mascot, drips with sarcasm, and goes to bed with nothing but getting out of dodge on his mind. He awakens the next day ready to hit the ground running and get on with his life, only to find himself stuck right back at the start of ....February 2 - Groundhog Day.

There have been times in my life as a parent that I feel his pain. I find myself fighting the same battles in the same ways over and over again and I can’t think of a graceful way off the field. In those seasons, I, like Phil Connor, wake up hoping for something new, only to find myself embroiled in the very same issues day in and day out. And I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone because I’ve heard other parents say similar things. In fact, I’ll bet that if you think about it for a second, you can identify your very own Groundhog Day Battle with one or more of your children.

Why does this happen?

Let’s take another look at Phil to answer this question. At the start of the movie, Phil thinks that “if only” he could get out of Groundhog Day, he would be happy. He focuses all of his energy on changing the things around him, yet he ends up standing in the exact same place, without moving forward an inch.

After who know how many days, Phil stops looking to change those around him and he starts to focus on the one thing he does have control over: himself. He learns new skills, he asks new questions, he makes new friends. Instead of being annoyed by the predictable nature of people, he begins to enjoy them as people aside from their predicable ways. In short, he stops thinking that he could be happy “if only” everything else changes and he starts to realize that he could be happy “even if’ things didn’t.

So, how does this Hollywood tale help out those of us in the trenches? I’m glad you asked. You can rest assured: kids will try to keep you stuck in Groundhog Day battles because that’s all they know how to do. That’s their job and they have perfected their craft. But here’s the beauty of it all. Staying there is a choice. Your choice.

When you find yourself and your kids going toe to toe over an issue, try the following ideas:

• Do something unexpected and counterintuitive. When we get into ruts with our children, we often forget that they aren’t the only ones doing the same things over and over again. Oftentimes, our behavior is actually guaranteeing that the pattern will continue. So, if you really want to rise up out of the rut, do the opposite of what you normally do.

• Unclench. Realize that your tension and anxiety are fueling this rut that you cannot stand. When you’re in the heat of the moment, try and notice where you are physically feeling this anxiety – then let it go. I know that sounds too easy, but it really does work. Take three deep breaths and then…

• Allow the consequences to do the screaming. Nagging, lecturing, and threatening simply don’t work. You know this principle is true, but sometimes it slips away from you. Bring it back. Find a consequence for the behavior, plainly state it, then let it do its thing. Remember, going toe to toe with your child is rarely helpful. Try shoulder to shoulder instead.

So, if you’ve found yourself walking into one never ending Groundhog Day after another with your kids, it’s time to take a long hard look into the mirror. Chances are, you just might be the one keeping yourself stuck. Getting to a new day will be a challenge, that’s for sure. But EVEN IF it is, you’re going to make it just fine.