I'll Be There For You
Monday, March 1, 2010
By: Hal Runkel, LMFT

The small things we say can mean big things we don't want.

“I’ll always be there for you.” Sounds like the words of a great friend, doesn’t it? Most of us think so. But let’s examine those words for a moment. Part of our mission at ScreamFree Living is to change the way the world talks about relationship. This is because our language is so reflective of our true beliefs, leading us to communicate messages that may not be the ones we intended.

Being there for my child prevents me from being there with my child. Think of the message we send when we step in for our child. We handle their arguments with their siblings, we clean up after them, we do most of their homework. What we are saying is twofold – “I don’t think you can handle this without me,” and “I don’t think I can handle watching you struggle with it.” So we offer to be there for them.

The typical context of this message is that of offering support in a time or emotional struggle. “No matter what happens, I’ll always be there for you. You know that.” Sounds sweet, sincere, and supportive. That’s true compassion, isn’t it? Not exactly. The true meaning of compassion is to suffer with someone, not for them. The only way to be there for them is to replace them in their struggle, make it so they won’t have to face their struggle. We cannot do that and still communicate our confidence that they can grow through it.

Denzel Washington’s character in “Remember the Titans” understood this well in his job as head football coach. When another coach began comforting players after Denzel would reprimand them, Denzel strongly confronted the other coach, “You think you’re doing these kids a favor by protecting them, but you’re not. You’re crippling them.”

We cannot be there for our kids without sending a debilitating message – “ I don’t think you can handle this.” We also cannot avoid sending a message about their responsibility for our anxiety – “I don’t think I can handle watching you struggle and grow through this.” How can those messages possibly build our children toward self-direction and self-confidence?

Think of the contrast in saying this instead: “I’ll be there with you.” We want to be supportive to our children as they go through struggle. As they grow through it. We know that our own times of struggle have built character and strength in us, so we have to believe that our children’s struggles will do the same for them. We don’t dare take their place, for that would convey the crippling messages above. Instead, with “I’ll always be there with you,” we communicate two confidence-building messages – “I believe you can handle this,” and “I’m OK with whatever happens, so I’m not going anywhere.”

Sounds truly supportive, doesn’t it? For some of you, it may even sound familiar. It happens to be the last recorded words of Jesus on earth: “I will always be with you.”